The 5 People You Meet in College


Lemme give it to you straight: college is a unique experience. One that can be replicated nowhere else in the planet. To be clear, Disney couldn’t bring you the same thing in a two hour VR simulator, although it would be a hell of a lot cheaper. So without further ado I wish to outline the sorts of wily characters you’ll meet in college.

1. ‘Those people’ in the library

That doesn’t quite narrow it down does it? It will in a minute….I’m referring to the individuals, sometimes groups, who use the library as their social hub. Those people, usually commuters who for some reason can’t seem to find anywhere in the whole world to meet up with their friends except right smack dab in the middle of where you wanted to do you homework. Imagine if you will the following scenario: you’re just of class, you head to the library in the hopes of grabbing a coffee and settling in for a nice study session so you can have time on the weekend to carouse with your friends. You’ll all set to hit the books when you realize there’s no suitable seat to be found. All the comfy areas of course are taken by the circus freaks who wish to spend their time chatting about how ‘awesome that episode of Game of Thrones was last night’ which naturally leaves you having to look seek out option two. So you head to the more quiet area of the library where you’re sure there isn’t going to be any riff raff but when you get there it becomes apparent that everyone had the same idea and you’re shit out of luck. At this point you’re done, you don’t even want to study anymore because your whole train of thought has been derailed by those meat sacks who decided to turn your study area into The View for a couple of hours. Thus you postpone your studying and god forbid you have a group project that needs doing you’re even more up shit creek because everyone knows how hard it is to coordinate meet times. So yeah, those people in the library…fuck ’em.

2. The Sports People

No I’m not talking about the people who play fantasy sports on their laptop in class, which is distracting enough. I’m referring to the athletes at school who can’t seem to find another outfit that doesn’t broadcast that they’re an athlete. Now you might say I’m being a little bit of a jerk but seriously one has to question the logic just a bit and being logical I’ve come to two conclusions. Either they want people to view them as some sort of olympic gods who are a class unto themselves or they simply need the constant reminder that yes they made it into college and it says so right on their shirt sooooo…yeah. Which is fine and let’s face it I’m not complaining because more often than not they need help on their homework and if you can help them squeak by in their philosophy course, you may be what separates them between going pro and serving your kids fries on the way to a skiing trip. In the end they’re swell people and hey, most of them ain’t too bad on the eyes either.

3. Political Science majors

You might ask why do I single this major out of all the wildly different and academically diverse studies in college. The answer is simple, both in my experience and many of my peers, political science people are easily the most recognizable and insufferable pricks in training this world has to offer. But I digress, while I agree that the major has its benefits in bringing to the table a discussion about the political and socioeconomic climate in this country it just simply doesn’t line up with the sort that are attracted to it. Why is this? The answer would take a long time to draw out but basically it attracts the sort of mouth breathing attention whores who wish to elevate themselves based solely on their ability to out schmooze the others in their field and regurgitate Huffington post articles on a second’s notice. Should you be like me and grew up watching The West Wing, I’m sure that the idea of being like Martin Sheen or Rob Lowe was something that looked pretty cool, I mean shit, that show was pretty good. And should you also be like me, you probably saw college as an opportunity to fulfill those dreams, arguing with your peers about the deficit and state of the union, allowing you to showcase just how tenacious you really are. But alas once you got into your 101 course you realized you wouldn’t have that opportunity. You realized that the sort of which you’re lined up against are student council wannabes who figured that their ability to coordinate the dunk tank on field day was enough credential to give them use of the phrase, “I’m fiscally conservative but socially liberal”. And sure, that’s a cute line to use on that girl in your creative writing class but it ultimately gets worn quicker than the pages of your copy of Atlas Shrugged that you keep on your shelf. However, should you continue with your poli sci career beyond one semester you can be damn sure you’re going to be the bane of your friends existence as you belt out the latest hot phrase you heard in Comparative Politics. Sure you may sound like someone who knows they’re talking about but in the end you just end up sounding like a lame duck (see what I did there?)

4. Club People

You know how you’re sitting in the library or at your laptop and you get a tap on the shoulder by some plucky looking girl who just wants you to ‘stop by [fill in the blank] room for snacks and an information meeting’? Those are the type of people I’m referring to. Now I can’t speak to the character of all clubs but I can speak to many of them and here’s why. Today’s generation is so obsessed with what many have observantly called ‘armchair activism’, that is the kind of people who spend a prodigious amount of time circulating information regarding some sort of cause or some sort of issue that ‘just needs fixing’. Look, of course the world has problems but I don’t see how posting incessantly on Facebook or badgering people about it is going to fix it. Sure, awareness is a good thing but look at recent things like Kony 2012 where so much money was donated and time spent by well meaning individuals who just wanted to ‘fix something.’ And in the end we saw it to be revealed as nothing more than a kickstarter campaign for some guys drug habit. I guess my issue is this, educate yourselves on your battles. Research and for gods sake don’t waste your college years by ‘greenpeacing’ every little issue that crosses your Facebook timeline. These are the sorts of people who fancy themselves to be the next Mother Teresa one donut and free cookie at a time. Seriously, it gets old and I’m sure many of us who went to college wished that some of these people had spent less time guilting us over what we should be doing. Hell what I should’ve done was not gone to college!

5. Student Government People

Now a lot of this crosses over into the criteria that makes category 3 so unique, but then again this kinda makes sense right? Here are folks that make all the important decisions on campus, or so they’d like to think. In fact they’re more like the excitable student driver who’s carefully kept in line by the teacher who slams on the breaks should a lead foot come into play. If you’re looking for someone to raise the cost of tuition or fix the quality of food in the dining hall look elsewhere. However, if you’re looking for someone to help you color coordinate your next pizza party and order a sub platter, look no further. Ya see, what makes these group of people so special is their belief that they are so special because let’s face it; most people in college couldn’t give a fuck who becomes the next secretary or student body treasurer because it doesn’t matter! Sure it’s nice to say you know the guy who provided the salmon rolls and ovaltine at culture night but he’s probably not the kinda guy you want making big decisions. Luckily the school recognizes that and thus is why we have college presidents and deans to make the decisions that really matter. There’s a reason why millenials suck and it isn’t just because of the music we listen to. It’s because we just don’t know as much as we think we do and in the end it’s easier to slap a title on someone than give them real power. And yeah, sure it’s really annoying when you have to keep seeing signs and get emails about voting for student body whatever, but just be thankful that whatever decisions they make won’t tread any further than, ‘oh that color scheme at the senior ball really wasn’t very easy on the eyes.’

So there you have it, a list of the sorts of characters and cretins you’re sure to meet in college. Of course I didn’t touch on plenty of others but I simply wished to provide you with a list of the most notorious. In any event I hope you got a few laughs and I hope that I didn’t offend those of you easily bothered by other’s opinions too much, but if I did let this be a reminder to grow a thicker skin. Cheers!


‘The Tomorrow People’ Or The Ill-fated Fashion Sense of the Modern Teenager


It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that what is deemed ‘hip’ in today’s world is a fleeting term. With the heavy reliance on the internet for tips on what sort of lingo and pop culture phenomenon are relevant, today’s youth faces a little bit of a pickle when it comes to staying in the know. But if staying in the know means having to fit in with some of the following bizarre fashion choices that modern teenagers are wearing then perhaps I’d rather not partake.

The ‘Socks with Sandals’ Thing: What outwardly appears as a harmless layered footwear style has managed to rear its head in the ugliest of manners. Everyday I’m treated to the delightful sight of teenage somethings walking around with their Adidas or Nike brand sandals pulled over their sock feet. Where on earth did this trend come from? Were sneakers too claustrophobic? Are sandals on their own too ‘trashy’? Am I an asshole for walking around with my naked feet peaking out from under the flaps of my summer footwear appendages ? What is it about kids today where trends have to defy what should be common sense, I can understand wanting to match your footwear to your outfit but come on. I imagine it started with some dipshit on instagram posting a picture of himself wearing them and then it became a thing as it swept through middle class suburbanite white kids whose Ed Hardy shirts and ripped jeans just weren’t doing it anymore. In short you look like an idiot and not just any idiot but a special kind of fool, whose choice of footwear is about as bi polar as that one girl you met on Tinder.

Shorthair cuts and 5 o’clock Shadows : This is something that is really irritating to me, particularly in commercials. Who decided that what a guy really needs to look professional is to not shave for a couple of days and cut his hair like the Robert Duvall in ‘The Great Santini’? If I was an employer of a successful corporation and my top executive walked in sporting an unshaven mug day after day, I might send a fax over to HR to have a sit-down with the guy to ask if he’s feeling alright. But noo, apparently those Geico commercials with the cavemen were rather prophetic in the trend setting category since most guys these days like to mimic their ancestors and sport the awkward shadow on the regular. And combined with the short hair cuts that are usually greased with AXE pomade almost ubiquitously, male 20 somethings are now beginning to look like copies of a copy. I for one can’t wait for this trend to end and can only hope that these indecisive assholes can’t seem to commit to either side of the facial hair spectrum.

Tribal Trouble: Ahh yes, the dreaded tribal tattoo, America’s fastest growing fashion trend since the tramp stamp. And speaking of tramp stamps, is it going to far to say that the upper arm design has become its male counterpart? It wouldn’t be so bad if there was some variety in the mix but there just isn’t, save a few barbed wire shapes that bend in opposing directions once in awhile. You can’t go to the gym or beach without seeing some juiced up asshole walking around, chest puffed out, sporting the latest ‘tat’ he got from his local artist/weed supplier. And the ladies just love it to make matters worse. I guess once you have a tramp stamp for a few months you realize you look like a conformist moron who’s a couple one night stands away from punching the last hole on her planned parenthood membership card, you want to associate with people who make you look less stupid. So why not go out clubbing with your other bleach blonde biddies and lasso in some big discount ‘Jersey Shore’ bro  and start a posse of tan bimbos.

Fake tans and Blonde Hair: You knew this was coming ladies, you thought you were so original with your latest trip to the beauty salon last weekend, strolling out with your newly bleached hair and your mahogany skin, but little did you realize you made the biggest amateur mistake on the list. What is it about females where you can’t be happy with how you look? I get dyeing your hair once for prom and once for the time you burnt your hair because you were too busy eyeballing that hairlip you could’ve sworn you got rid of. But after awhile, the time comes where its not a good idea to keep torturing your body. You see, as you get older your skin starts to wither and wrinkle, your hair gets gray and your bosom descends into your drawers. And those weekly visits to the tanning salon are only accelerating the process, not to mention ruining your complexion. There will come a point where no amount of creams and lotions will cover up those age spots and the panic will set in. As for your hair, that bleach you put in is going to deteriorate your roots to the point where your split ends will have split ends. And if that argument doesn’t sway you then maybe the prospect of being indistinguishable from all your other ‘trendy’ friends will. Girls like to be individuals I’m not that clueless, so start acting like one and be proud of who you are and stop making me sick!

Fitted Caps: I have no clever title for this one, since it just speaks for itself. You look like a fucking idiot when you walk around with those flat brimmed hats that still have the sticky label on the brim. It doesn’t make you look as ‘cool’ as Jay-Z or Big Sean, it makes you look like a shithead that just robbed Lids at the mall. And having one for every color of the rainbow to match your cute little outfits is a little effeminate guys, just saying. When you pull it over your eyes and cruise down the street in the souped up Prius that mom got you when you got your GED, it tells society that A) you look like the last 10 assholes who drove through this intersection B) You’re probably not that bright a guy. Unfortunately the majority of society doesn’t associate the fitted cap, skinny jeans, tank top wearing bro that you emulate as an upstanding recent college grad. They associate it with shitty rap videos, and someone who’s not flipping burgers at the moment. At least the educated part of society would think that.

In any event I’m sure I’m not alone here with my observations and I’m even more sure that I’m not the only one who’s managed to partake in none of the above trends that I just expounded on. So do me a favor first world people, stop making yourselves look like the dopes older generations think you are!

Photo courtesy of: SCPR. org


Keeping it Simple

The National Something

Being a man and thus unequaled in my infinite wisdom regarding all things alcohol infused, I figure it’s my duty to infuse the coming generations with the joys of drinking responsibly. And by responsibly I mean not looking like a dipshit when you go to a party and you’re taking shots of Bahama Mama while your friends pound back tall boys of something less effeminate.

First and foremost, guys if you’re going to drink, keep it simple. Yeah I know that latest buzzfeed article with the party ‘lifehacks’ looked really cool, but you’re not that smart or ambitious. Instead why not ask your father or nearest male over the age of 30 what they do when they want to get sloshed (chances are they already are since they’re associated with you) or if no adult is around check the nearest recycling bin and you’ll be sure to use your powers…

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