Lemme give it to you straight: college is a unique experience. One that can be replicated nowhere else in the planet. To be clear, Disney couldn’t bring you the same thing in a two hour VR simulator, although it would be a hell of a lot cheaper. So without further ado I wish to outline the sorts of wily characters you’ll meet in college.
1. ‘Those people’ in the library
That doesn’t quite narrow it down does it? It will in a minute….I’m referring to the individuals, sometimes groups, who use the library as their social hub. Those people, usually commuters who for some reason can’t seem to find anywhere in the whole world to meet up with their friends except right smack dab in the middle of where you wanted to do you homework. Imagine if you will the following scenario: you’re just of class, you head to the library in the hopes of grabbing a coffee and settling in for a nice study session so you can have time on the weekend to carouse with your friends. You’ll all set to hit the books when you realize there’s no suitable seat to be found. All the comfy areas of course are taken by the circus freaks who wish to spend their time chatting about how ‘awesome that episode of Game of Thrones was last night’ which naturally leaves you having to look seek out option two. So you head to the more quiet area of the library where you’re sure there isn’t going to be any riff raff but when you get there it becomes apparent that everyone had the same idea and you’re shit out of luck. At this point you’re done, you don’t even want to study anymore because your whole train of thought has been derailed by those meat sacks who decided to turn your study area into The View for a couple of hours. Thus you postpone your studying and god forbid you have a group project that needs doing you’re even more up shit creek because everyone knows how hard it is to coordinate meet times. So yeah, those people in the library…fuck ’em.
2. The Sports People
No I’m not talking about the people who play fantasy sports on their laptop in class, which is distracting enough. I’m referring to the athletes at school who can’t seem to find another outfit that doesn’t broadcast that they’re an athlete. Now you might say I’m being a little bit of a jerk but seriously one has to question the logic just a bit and being logical I’ve come to two conclusions. Either they want people to view them as some sort of olympic gods who are a class unto themselves or they simply need the constant reminder that yes they made it into college and it says so right on their shirt sooooo…yeah. Which is fine and let’s face it I’m not complaining because more often than not they need help on their homework and if you can help them squeak by in their philosophy course, you may be what separates them between going pro and serving your kids fries on the way to a skiing trip. In the end they’re swell people and hey, most of them ain’t too bad on the eyes either.
3. Political Science majors
You might ask why do I single this major out of all the wildly different and academically diverse studies in college. The answer is simple, both in my experience and many of my peers, political science people are easily the most recognizable and insufferable pricks in training this world has to offer. But I digress, while I agree that the major has its benefits in bringing to the table a discussion about the political and socioeconomic climate in this country it just simply doesn’t line up with the sort that are attracted to it. Why is this? The answer would take a long time to draw out but basically it attracts the sort of mouth breathing attention whores who wish to elevate themselves based solely on their ability to out schmooze the others in their field and regurgitate Huffington post articles on a second’s notice. Should you be like me and grew up watching The West Wing, I’m sure that the idea of being like Martin Sheen or Rob Lowe was something that looked pretty cool, I mean shit, that show was pretty good. And should you also be like me, you probably saw college as an opportunity to fulfill those dreams, arguing with your peers about the deficit and state of the union, allowing you to showcase just how tenacious you really are. But alas once you got into your 101 course you realized you wouldn’t have that opportunity. You realized that the sort of which you’re lined up against are student council wannabes who figured that their ability to coordinate the dunk tank on field day was enough credential to give them use of the phrase, “I’m fiscally conservative but socially liberal”. And sure, that’s a cute line to use on that girl in your creative writing class but it ultimately gets worn quicker than the pages of your copy of Atlas Shrugged that you keep on your shelf. However, should you continue with your poli sci career beyond one semester you can be damn sure you’re going to be the bane of your friends existence as you belt out the latest hot phrase you heard in Comparative Politics. Sure you may sound like someone who knows they’re talking about but in the end you just end up sounding like a lame duck (see what I did there?)
4. Club People
You know how you’re sitting in the library or at your laptop and you get a tap on the shoulder by some plucky looking girl who just wants you to ‘stop by [fill in the blank] room for snacks and an information meeting’? Those are the type of people I’m referring to. Now I can’t speak to the character of all clubs but I can speak to many of them and here’s why. Today’s generation is so obsessed with what many have observantly called ‘armchair activism’, that is the kind of people who spend a prodigious amount of time circulating information regarding some sort of cause or some sort of issue that ‘just needs fixing’. Look, of course the world has problems but I don’t see how posting incessantly on Facebook or badgering people about it is going to fix it. Sure, awareness is a good thing but look at recent things like Kony 2012 where so much money was donated and time spent by well meaning individuals who just wanted to ‘fix something.’ And in the end we saw it to be revealed as nothing more than a kickstarter campaign for some guys drug habit. I guess my issue is this, educate yourselves on your battles. Research and for gods sake don’t waste your college years by ‘greenpeacing’ every little issue that crosses your Facebook timeline. These are the sorts of people who fancy themselves to be the next Mother Teresa one donut and free cookie at a time. Seriously, it gets old and I’m sure many of us who went to college wished that some of these people had spent less time guilting us over what we should be doing. Hell what I should’ve done was not gone to college!
5. Student Government People
Now a lot of this crosses over into the criteria that makes category 3 so unique, but then again this kinda makes sense right? Here are folks that make all the important decisions on campus, or so they’d like to think. In fact they’re more like the excitable student driver who’s carefully kept in line by the teacher who slams on the breaks should a lead foot come into play. If you’re looking for someone to raise the cost of tuition or fix the quality of food in the dining hall look elsewhere. However, if you’re looking for someone to help you color coordinate your next pizza party and order a sub platter, look no further. Ya see, what makes these group of people so special is their belief that they are so special because let’s face it; most people in college couldn’t give a fuck who becomes the next secretary or student body treasurer because it doesn’t matter! Sure it’s nice to say you know the guy who provided the salmon rolls and ovaltine at culture night but he’s probably not the kinda guy you want making big decisions. Luckily the school recognizes that and thus is why we have college presidents and deans to make the decisions that really matter. There’s a reason why millenials suck and it isn’t just because of the music we listen to. It’s because we just don’t know as much as we think we do and in the end it’s easier to slap a title on someone than give them real power. And yeah, sure it’s really annoying when you have to keep seeing signs and get emails about voting for student body whatever, but just be thankful that whatever decisions they make won’t tread any further than, ‘oh that color scheme at the senior ball really wasn’t very easy on the eyes.’
So there you have it, a list of the sorts of characters and cretins you’re sure to meet in college. Of course I didn’t touch on plenty of others but I simply wished to provide you with a list of the most notorious. In any event I hope you got a few laughs and I hope that I didn’t offend those of you easily bothered by other’s opinions too much, but if I did let this be a reminder to grow a thicker skin. Cheers!