It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that what is deemed ‘hip’ in today’s world is a fleeting term. With the heavy reliance on the internet for tips on what sort of lingo and pop culture phenomenon are relevant, today’s youth faces a little bit of a pickle when it comes to staying in the know. But if staying in the know means having to fit in with some of the following bizarre fashion choices that modern teenagers are wearing then perhaps I’d rather not partake.
The ‘Socks with Sandals’ Thing: What outwardly appears as a harmless layered footwear style has managed to rear its head in the ugliest of manners. Everyday I’m treated to the delightful sight of teenage somethings walking around with their Adidas or Nike brand sandals pulled over their sock feet. Where on earth did this trend come from? Were sneakers too claustrophobic? Are sandals on their own too ‘trashy’? Am I an asshole for walking around with my naked feet peaking out from under the flaps of my summer footwear appendages ? What is it about kids today where trends have to defy what should be common sense, I can understand wanting to match your footwear to your outfit but come on. I imagine it started with some dipshit on instagram posting a picture of himself wearing them and then it became a thing as it swept through middle class suburbanite white kids whose Ed Hardy shirts and ripped jeans just weren’t doing it anymore. In short you look like an idiot and not just any idiot but a special kind of fool, whose choice of footwear is about as bi polar as that one girl you met on Tinder.
Shorthair cuts and 5 o’clock Shadows : This is something that is really irritating to me, particularly in commercials. Who decided that what a guy really needs to look professional is to not shave for a couple of days and cut his hair like the Robert Duvall in ‘The Great Santini’? If I was an employer of a successful corporation and my top executive walked in sporting an unshaven mug day after day, I might send a fax over to HR to have a sit-down with the guy to ask if he’s feeling alright. But noo, apparently those Geico commercials with the cavemen were rather prophetic in the trend setting category since most guys these days like to mimic their ancestors and sport the awkward shadow on the regular. And combined with the short hair cuts that are usually greased with AXE pomade almost ubiquitously, male 20 somethings are now beginning to look like copies of a copy. I for one can’t wait for this trend to end and can only hope that these indecisive assholes can’t seem to commit to either side of the facial hair spectrum.
Tribal Trouble: Ahh yes, the dreaded tribal tattoo, America’s fastest growing fashion trend since the tramp stamp. And speaking of tramp stamps, is it going to far to say that the upper arm design has become its male counterpart? It wouldn’t be so bad if there was some variety in the mix but there just isn’t, save a few barbed wire shapes that bend in opposing directions once in awhile. You can’t go to the gym or beach without seeing some juiced up asshole walking around, chest puffed out, sporting the latest ‘tat’ he got from his local artist/weed supplier. And the ladies just love it to make matters worse. I guess once you have a tramp stamp for a few months you realize you look like a conformist moron who’s a couple one night stands away from punching the last hole on her planned parenthood membership card, you want to associate with people who make you look less stupid. So why not go out clubbing with your other bleach blonde biddies and lasso in some big discount ‘Jersey Shore’ bro and start a posse of tan bimbos.
Fake tans and Blonde Hair: You knew this was coming ladies, you thought you were so original with your latest trip to the beauty salon last weekend, strolling out with your newly bleached hair and your mahogany skin, but little did you realize you made the biggest amateur mistake on the list. What is it about females where you can’t be happy with how you look? I get dyeing your hair once for prom and once for the time you burnt your hair because you were too busy eyeballing that hairlip you could’ve sworn you got rid of. But after awhile, the time comes where its not a good idea to keep torturing your body. You see, as you get older your skin starts to wither and wrinkle, your hair gets gray and your bosom descends into your drawers. And those weekly visits to the tanning salon are only accelerating the process, not to mention ruining your complexion. There will come a point where no amount of creams and lotions will cover up those age spots and the panic will set in. As for your hair, that bleach you put in is going to deteriorate your roots to the point where your split ends will have split ends. And if that argument doesn’t sway you then maybe the prospect of being indistinguishable from all your other ‘trendy’ friends will. Girls like to be individuals I’m not that clueless, so start acting like one and be proud of who you are and stop making me sick!
Fitted Caps: I have no clever title for this one, since it just speaks for itself. You look like a fucking idiot when you walk around with those flat brimmed hats that still have the sticky label on the brim. It doesn’t make you look as ‘cool’ as Jay-Z or Big Sean, it makes you look like a shithead that just robbed Lids at the mall. And having one for every color of the rainbow to match your cute little outfits is a little effeminate guys, just saying. When you pull it over your eyes and cruise down the street in the souped up Prius that mom got you when you got your GED, it tells society that A) you look like the last 10 assholes who drove through this intersection B) You’re probably not that bright a guy. Unfortunately the majority of society doesn’t associate the fitted cap, skinny jeans, tank top wearing bro that you emulate as an upstanding recent college grad. They associate it with shitty rap videos, and someone who’s not flipping burgers at the moment. At least the educated part of society would think that.
In any event I’m sure I’m not alone here with my observations and I’m even more sure that I’m not the only one who’s managed to partake in none of the above trends that I just expounded on. So do me a favor first world people, stop making yourselves look like the dopes older generations think you are!
Photo courtesy of: SCPR. org